Month: February 2012

Leap Year Address, Two Thousand and Twelve

Greetings and Salutations!

Foundation stakeholders, Board members and Citizens of Samurai City, while I am simply elated to be here with you to celebrate the addition of the extra fourth of a day each year that we ignore save for every fourth year, I am saddened to begin this evening by asking that we all take a moment to remember Davy Jones. Mr. Jones was a good man, a funny man, a man who shared his name with the burial ground of sailors and pirates. He will be surely missed.

With that said, I now present the good news. As it is a Leap Year, it is important that we remember the fact that we are also being lazy; lazy on a scope that has encompassed all of humanity. Why lazy? The answer to that is simple: instead of adding another day to February on a permanent basis, a day that would last about six hours, we have opted to save those hours and bank them into one day extra every four years. In doing so, we have cheated ourselves, and our species.

True, true…that extra day in February would be a short one. More than likely, we would get very little accomplished as a whole. Which is why I would propose that the extra day be a six-hour holiday. Six full hours to do exactly nothing. Nothing! A person could sleep, fly kites, go on a drug/sex/booze bender. What the world needs exactly that: a day that is a holiday with no cultural purpose other than to slack off and not worry about a motherfucking thing.

Now, I realize that some people would want to work, and that some services cannot be avoided. To solve this: triple time. Maybe quadruple time. Yes! For six hours the people that HAVE to be on duty, would get an assload of cash to work on said day. You do not like the idea of cops rolling around in a Benz in their free time while you gad-about in your hooptie? Then behave on the extra day and we will not need the 5-0 up in our grilles for six hours. Besides, if you are somewhere being a complete lazy ass, you should not be getting into any mischief anyway.

So, dear people, as you go about your every fourth year shenanigans and celebrations, think about the benefit and joy that a six-hour jerk off could bring to you and humankind as a whole. Embrace the six hour additional day to February. Strike a blow for relaxation and against greedy day stealing Augustus.

Thank you, and Good Night!

Happy Leap Year!

Friday Night with Charlotte

Last week was quite a week. It started with scandal and ended with an ugly attempt to discredit The Foundation. The scandal was a bit of ugliness involving The Foundation’s war elephants. While it seems that the issue should have been over quickly and with a few payouts here and there, that was not to be. Fortunately, I had a fun night out with Charlotte the Friday before the treacherous attempt to ruin your beloved charitable organization.

I could go on and detail the incidents that led to the horrors of the weekend, but instead, I have decided to go the honest route and provide the transcript of a local news programs morning interview of yours truly.

Bert Berterson: “Good morning. I’m Bert Berterson appearing on this special edition of ‘Samurai City Saturday Morning’ with local mogul, Xavier Rothe…”

Me: “Mogul?! What the fuck did you call me? I am not a snowy lump on a ski slope! Nor am I some brandy sipping curmudgeon sitting by some fireplace in some cavernous, drafty, Victorian mansion. I am a humble orchard operator and general all around nice guy. I am really tired of your slander and libel. You really need to get over that camera incident with Manthony.”

B.B: “No, that is not the issue. True, there have been ‘incidents,” but they aren’t what this interview is about. We are here to discuss the elephant rampage that you and your associates with The Rothechilde Foundation are responsible for causing, avoiding, and admitting no responsibility.

Me: “Berty darling, that is exactly what I am talking about! Okay, so unfortunate things may have happened. People may or may not have been allegedly had the misfortune of standing where an elephant may have been walking. Whatever the case, there is no need to start throwing around faulty, unproven allegations that could result in a hefty lawsuit or potential burying in a shallow grave in Nevada or somewhere.”

B.B: “Did, did you just threaten to kill me and bury me in Nevada?”

Me: “I have done no such thing! I was merely stating things that could happen to a person. I have never gone to Nevada. The sand would destroy my wardrode, I believe. Speaking of which, I have been experimenting with adding color to my wardrobe…”

B.B: “Let’s not get off topic, Mr. Rothechilde, Xavier, may I call you Xavier?

Me: “I would not if I did not want to get ‘punished’ severely.”

B.B.  “Ahem. Before we begin, let’s refresh your memory. Ronald, roll the footage please.”

At this moment, a clip was played that showed a large group of people hanging about Downtown Samurai City. In the background, the Foundation Thunderdome stood majestically in the background. In the foreground, more people. Then the clip cut over to the ass-biscuit that I was currently being tormented by in this interview. Mr. Berterson was interviewing people who were “Occupying Samurai City.” Yes, the wave of civil unrest and general unhappiness of the populist poor had spread to Samurai City and the occupiers were occupying various areas of the city. This was exactly why we at the Foundation came up with the idea to have the war elephants. The occupiers had not come as far as the Thunderdome, but a group of counter-occupiers had begun to head in our direction. These counter occupiers were those who supported the one percent or something like that. Berterson interviewed a few of them as well. Approximately two minutes into the clip, a wave of people could be seen coming toward the camera. In the background, the image and sounds of a herd of elephants rapidly approached the news crew. Fleeing to a safe area (who knew there was a safe place from a herd of stampeding elephants?), the camera still recorded, Berty-baby’s panicked reporting in the background:

Bert: “This is Bert Berterson! A herd of elephants is now rampaging in downtown Samurai City! People are running everywhere as complete and total pandemonium has erupted! Oh my God! An elephant just tossed a police car into the side of the bank! This, this is terrible! Absolutely terrible! Hey! Someone grab that little girl! What the hell are you talking about? You do it! I’m Bert Berterson! I’m not getting stepped on by a freaking elephant! What the hell?! Is that elephant wearing a monocle and a tophat? My God the police have shot the elephant in the tophat! Tophat elephant is down! Holy shit! That elephant has that old lady by the neck! Wait, wait…the elephant has gently set her down. People we have a miracle, the elephant just set her…Shit! He kicked her! The elephant kicked her! Oh my…oh my…she’s, she’s barely moving. Paramedics are trying to help her. Okay, she’s giving the thumbs up. What? Headed where? Oh shit! Run! Ruuunnn!!!

And the clip ended there. To be honest, I was very upset by that footage. There was not one mention or shot of Sister Constance and the nun-wranglers coming in, taking down the rest of the pachyderms with tranquilizers and getting them safely back to the Thunderdome. Two elephants were slaughtered by the man on that tragic day. The monocle and top hat have been turned into monuments in the arboretum.

B.B: “Now, Mr. Rothechilde, clearly you could see what a tragic series of…hey! Are you texting?”

Me: “Yes, you were boring me with that biased video footage. There was no mention of the nuns and their success at bringing this unpleasantness to an end. Not to mention you subjected me to having to witness the brutal slaying of the vainglorious Lord Phant, a pachyderm of distinguished character and with obviously superior fashion sense. I was consulting our legal team to be sure that my comments will not be taken out of context and that the video delay is sufficient for Foundation security personnel to edit out any sensitive information before this hits the airwaves.”

B.B: “What?!”

Blue Boy?

Me: “You know, like they do on awards programs to filter out the potty mouths. Anyway, about fashion. As I believe we were discussing briefly earlier I have been experimenting with making changes to my wardrobe. I have been adding color. Unfortunately, I do not have a picture of me in the lavender and purple, or gold-brown-black, but I do have a picture of me in blue. Ronald, show the clip, please. As you can see, instead of my trademark black and white two-piece combination, I am sporting a stylish three-piece suit. I even have on a blue tie. Blue! And took a picture that I did not insist be made black and white or some sort of old-timey sepia look. Eventually, I will have some photos of me in the other color schemes soon, and I may come back to your program to discuss them again at that time. However, thank you for the interview, it has been a pleasant…”

B.B: “Excuse me, sir! I tell Ronald what to do around here, and we weren’t discussing fashion. We’re here to talk about your reckless unleashing of elephants on our fair city and what exactly you plan on doing about it! You have some things to answer for sir!”

Me: “I do no appreciate your tone, little man. Now see here, if it were not for those stupid one percenters parading about in their diamonds and smelly perfumes, the elephants would not have gotten upset and that misfortune would never have occurred. The elephants were simply a part of a parade that The Foundation was sponsoring in support of the “Occupy Samurai City if You Want, But Stay the Fuck Away from the Thunderdome” rally. As you can see the rally was a success, the Thunderdome is untouched and still stands as a glorious symbol of compassion and beauty. And we are not even going to sue the city over our beloved Lord Phant. Although it has caused Sister Constance a great deal of sorrow. We had to give her an extended vacation, pay raise, and purchase a new elephant, monocle, and top hat to alleviate her lust for revenge.”

B.B: “Are you saying that the life of that elephant is worth more than the hundreds of people that were injured in carnage laid out by your elephant horde? Are you seriously equating humanity with lower animals?!”

Me: “Well, hypothetically, my statement would appear to be putting elephants above the rest of humanity, but then who needs to be splitting hairs here? Besides, no people were killed, and only a few were maimed or otherwise seriously injured. Further, the occupation business was horribly bad for the already weakened economy. Those people should have been out working and those one percent counter-protesters should have been out subjugating masses or otherwise managing some means of economic oppression. The fact is, those protesters were in all likelihood unemployed; do we need to show the world on the national news that we are a nation of corpulent, unemployed people? No sir! No, I say! If our impoverished looked like those pot-bellied Ethiopians, then maybe we would have something to bitch about. However, we are a corpulent nation that sits on couches and and gets to watch seventy-seven different versions of ‘Law & Order.”

B.B: “Mr. Rothechilde! That is completely reprehensible! Do you even hear yourself? Listen, the Vice President of The Rothechilde Foundation has even come out and said that mistakes were made…”

Me: “Yes! Mistakes were made. Many mistakes! Chief among them was letting that bastard out of the dunge…er, basement during the protests. Had he remained sedated and properly confined, our efforts to fix this bit of unpleasantness could have come to an end much sooner, and I would already be enjoying the adulation of the citizenry of this fair city instead of sitting here and subjecting myself to this horrid interview from a man with the fashion sense of a Mogwai.”

B.B: “What are you talking about?!”

Me: “Your suit is terrible. I know a guy, let me help you, baby.”

B.B: “You’re obviously out of touch. With me and the citizens of Samurai City. They don’t love you, no one loves…”

You are very welcome

Me: “Oh my! I ought to shoot you right in your ugly face! You smug son of a…excuse, what is it? Yes, I understand. Excuse me, that gentleman was one of our attorneys, he suggested, and smartly I should add, that by ‘shoot you right in your ugly face’ that I actually meant “write you a sternly worded note of disapproval, perhaps an email cc’d to your station’s management. As for the love thing, surely you are mistaken For example, take a look at this lovely bit of art; Ronald, show the picture please.”

B.B: “Now see here! Ronald is not one of your lackeys…”

Me: “Obviously, the artist appreciates me and felt that I was worthy of being immortalized in one of her brilliant creations. And then there is Sister Constance. For a nun, she really does go out of her way to accommodate my eccentricities (I am ignoring your lackey comment, by the way. Manthony with surely discuss that with you.) Then, and not the least, there is my personal secretary, whom does me an innumerable amount of service in great variety, and makes sure that I can function on a daily basis. And Charlotte! Dear Charlotte! Why just last night, we went out to a local titty bar…”

B.B: “You can’t say that on public television and this has nothing to do with the elephant incident.”

Me: “I believe I did just say that, and this has everything to do with the elephants. There is nothing better to ease the pain of a deceased elephant friend and huge publicity hit like going out to see some boobs. And this was a great night. There was s lady there named Suzie Malone. She did some classy burlesque dance, magic tricks, and she swallowed a sword. Man, that gave me ideas, I tell you! She even danced around with fire. Fire! Strapped around her waist and in the shape of hand fans she danced with fire. I even had my picture taken with her. It is a topless picture. I am not topless, she is, or else I would have brought it to show. I am not opposed to showing the boobs on television; I just do not want to share them with you.”

B.B: “That is all well and good, sir. But what does any of this have to do with the damage you have brought and the poor people that are suffering because of your mistake?”

Me: “You just really want to beat a dead elephant. Man. Fine. While it is unfortunate that a few people may have received a bump or two because of a few rambunctious elephants, we are not a bank, mortgage company, or publicly traded corporation with stockholders to rape and pillage. The government will not bail us out like they did the people who the occupiers are bitching about (is that what they are bitching about? or is it Obamacare, Afghanistan, gay marriage, or Rick Santorum’s tranny porn stash?). No, as always in these trying time The Rothechilde Foundation will rebuild the damaged property. We have already purchased some of the more severely damaged property and found locations for business owners to rebuild and relocate. We have even offered to allow these business to use the Foundation’s contractors for repair and construction and infrastructure at prices that are much lower than the local business clowns. We are hiring many of the disgruntled occupiers for this Samurai City Reconstruction, and all of this will benefit the local economy. Lord Phant did not perish in vain.”

B.B: “It sounds like all you are doing is making a selfishly greedy cash grab and attempt to increase your personal stake and interest here!”

Me: “And is that not the American Way? Thank you, Samurai City and good day. This is Xavier A. S. Rothechilde, signing out.”

B.B: “Hey!”

And the screen goes black…

Note: Mr. Rothechilde has always reveled in, and proudly proclaimed his status as being a hack writer. If you disapprove of the ending, then you were not paying attention to the original disclaimer. No refunds or apologies should be expected and none will be made.

Sincerely,

Rothechilde Foundation and Trust Legal

Just Say Yes Volume X: Just Say Darkside

The Octopus waves, beckons you to enjoy the show.

Octopus says: "Dance with the Green Faery!"

Greetings and Salutations! It has been two whole weeks since I have terrorized the Internet with old New Wave, Classic Gothic, and a few modern tunes for you to listen to as you sit on your computer and play World of Warcraft or do something on Facebook. If you were really clever, you would play my show in the background while going into some x-rated chat room to meet a date for the evening. Doing so would definitely attract someone’s curiosity, get me new listeners, and enhance your Internet experience a million fold!

Okay, you probably would not have the last of those prospects happen, but why risk it? Turn on the show and have a listen. It could only do you some good. Unless you are at work and should be doing other things rather than listening to me, or reading what is on this page. But that is not my concern, and probably should not be yours either. Musical cyber-intercourse of the ear with me is much more fun, stimulating, and can increase your own personal wealth (not financially, unless you are really industrious).

Well, enough of that prattle, let us get down to tonight’s musical offerings. I remember working in a record store back in the Nineties. This was some sort of experiment to get me in touch with the common man, but that is a story for later. Where I am going with this, is that I remember sorting cassette tapes (remember those?) and compact discs into musical genres. Genres that seem to have disappeared lately. It seems now that music is either Rap, Rock, Country, or Classical. Hell, more often than not, I see the first three in that list simply grouped under popular (Whatever, country music. Having Nashville does not make one popular!). One of those genres was New Wave. Another was that innocuous label “College Radio” (I was disappointed when I learned that many under-educated morons were fans of the genre…). Then one day, those genres disappeared, and were replaced with “Alternative.” I first noticed this change in Nineteen Ninety-One. Alternative became a buzzword and soon, a person could happily pay two hundred dollars at Hudson’s (now Macy’s) for a dirtied flannel shirt so that any suburban yutz could pretend to be Eddie Vedder while sipping over-priced coffee in some pretentious cafe while listening to horrible attempts at modern beatnik poetry. Ah, the Nineties…

So, hearkening back to that year, tonight’s show will be peppered with songs from “Just Say Yes Volume V: Just Say Anything” from Sire Records. In fact, that is why I used that title (and you should read that as Volume X, not Volume Ten…). Back in the day, Sire used to take a bunch of “sub-culture” bands, put them on a compilation tape/cd and one could have a sample of what was new, progressive, and ofttimes, underground. Some of those bands pushed the envelope, others may have turned out to be minor musical grace notes. Whatever, the case, I have decided to feature a few of those artists who were there in that last year of what I remember as music before it was turned into a mess of “alternative, pop schlock.”

To listen, tune to http://darksideradio.com at 10:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (US).

Enjoy!

Tonight’s Featured Artists (Subject To Change)

*John Wesley Harding and Steve Wynn

Joy Division

Nouvelle Vague

Siouxsie and the Banshees

*Dinosaur Jr.

Tre Lux

Snake River Conspiracy

*The Judybats

The Do

Talking Heads

*Royal Crescent Mob

Bad Brains

Type O Negative

*Throwing Muses

The Cure

Depeche Mode

Switchblade Symphony

R.E.M.

*Seal

Tool

Lacuna Coil

*Bigod 20

Mindless Self Indulgence

Nine Inch Nails

Ministry

Mad Marge and the Stonecutters

The Koffin Kats

That Handsome Devil

Puscifer

*Morrissey

Berlin

Johnny Cash

So, tune in tonight and enjoy the program. If you have Twitter, @XRothechilde and @Darksideradio give song-to-song updates and make requests during the show.

*Selection from “Just Say Yes Volume V: Just Say Anything”

Commercials are from: “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” and “Grand Theft Auto IV”

Promotion spots for DJ Xavier produced and Created by: DJ Mirage, Ethermagus, and DJ Parallax