“…Cry ‘Havoc!’ and Let Slip the Elephants of War…” (Part I: Historical Background Notes)

The current Governor of Michigan is named Rick Snyder. His campaign was based on him being “one tough nerd.” However, after he began his budget proposals and what have you, it was learned that this man is no friend to labor. However, most surprisingly, he paradoxically began an assault on the education system of our state. One would think that a nerd would be all about education and being the impetus for the creation of a monolithic apparatus of Nerd-dom, but he seems to be just the opposite.  Instead of thinking of the children being educated, the Snydmeister began to “fix” the system by devising ways to rid the State of qualified staff in what he claims are measures designed to fix the economy of the state of Michigan.

For those of you who understand that Michigan is both not in Canada and not comprised only of a large crime bucket called Detroit, Michigan used to be a powerhouse of industry. We really do not care what anyone thinks to the contrary; we invented the car, the assembly line, labor unions, and Rhythm & Blues. On the other hand, we did give Ted Nugent and Gerald Ford to the world, but who is perfect for fuck’s sake? But I digress… For some reason, a few years back, the auto industry, Hell, industry in general, just took off and abandoned us. What was left in the wake was a horde of unemployed people that had been educated to work in the factories and really not possessing many skills beyond that.

To save the state, the medical industry began a subtle takeover. Met by the technology sector, they combined to create a new economic force to save Michigan. However, since most people in the state were not prepared to be employed in this industry, those areas of economic power began to hire foreigners to the state and the rest of Michigan’s residents began engaging in a weird “migrant-laborer” type lifestyle of moving to another state, then moving back to Michigan a bit later. This is known as the “Black Hole of Michigan Syndrome.” All Michiganders attempt to flee the borders, but due to being born in the environment (or living in it for five years), the run-a-ways return. This is not genetic, rather it is a result of microchips installed in every resident at birth by the Michigan Militias in case that resident is needed to fight in the Great Michigan Rebellion or the Canadian Re-Unification (we are all still pissed off about that whole Toledo War business. Sure the Upper Peninsula is cool, but we could have had that real estate and Toledo).

If that was not enough, the unemployment led to other businesses fleeing as where once was a money-hole of middle class laborers to buy all sorts of stuff (mostly guns, flannel, and stuff to go “Up North” with) there was now a frightened, angry mass of armed, unemployed people with a thirst for the blood (and a little hungry, as most had gotten pretty fat from too much fast food, meat, and not exercising save for Deer Hunting Season). The Governor who started this craziness was a fat tyrant by the name of John Engler. Engler was a weird, fat man who once had a Lieutenant whose name is a synonym for “dead penis.” After greedily serving more than two terms destroying the middle class, he pushed term limits for future Governors, got said limits and left office.

He was replaced by a reformed Canadian by the name of Jennifer Granholm. At some time in her life, she crawled through the Windsor Tunnel and pretended to be a Detroiter. Not being able to survive the harsh climate of Detroit (she is no Kwame Kilpatrick or Coleman Young) she moved about the state, befriended the Candian-like Yoopers, and became the leader of the Mitten with the Stag jumping into Wisconsin. However, Granny could not stop the sinking of the USS Bob Seger, and the businesses began to flee with the ex-King (but now more corpulent) of the State. She did what she could, but the economy still began to take a plunge into Hell. Her two terms coming to an end, she left an open seat for the taking.

Enter the World’s Toughest Nerd, Rick Snyder. Keeping in fine tradition of uneducated voting, the residents of Michigan voted for him (probably because his voice is more nasal than any other Michigander, so he is more Michigan than the rest of us) despite the fact that he apparently has a reputation for sending jobs overseas. He quickly began to fix the economy by attempting to dismantle unions and take money from the already impoverished state schools. The rest of Michigan got fed up and started circulating petitions to get rid of this nerd. It has not been working very well, however these angry flannel-clad deer stalkers are still pretty pissed…and tenacious.

And this is where The Foundation and the preparations for this new era of odd began. As a public service non-profit organization, this governor’s assault on the public services provided by the state could be a big problem. With the state making cuts, people would begin to demand more from us. While the Conservative agenda would have you believe that private charities enjoy giving out dough to the needy, the reality is that we are here to provide a pretty face and tax write off for the wealthy. We cannot fulfill our own goals when we are forced to cough up more money to people because the state wants to give tax relief to small businesses and big corporate monoliths. A war is brewing on the horizon: the state is going to begin asking us to do more charity and the needy will begin asking for more help. I for one did not believe that The Foundation is prepared for this potential invasion. An emergency meeting of the Board was called, ending our vacations. We needed a plan of defense.

At that meeting, we introduced a new proposal: The War Elephant.

To be continued…



  1. Hi love, My first thought after reading this post was, “Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.” But I have to admit that as impossible as it seems, the next idiot is always worse than the last one. Anyways, I did hear on the news just yesterday that there is a mass exodus of young people out of Detroit. My first thought, (and I do feel a little ashamed) was, ‘I hope they don’t come here.’ But I think it makes for a sad life being part of a migrating herd following the next job bubble. True, the economy is not user friendly but in my opinion, the answer is, “Be Here Now.”

    1. Not only is the next idiot worse, that next idiot repackages the same crap and tries to re-sell for twice what they got it for in the first place. Fret not, the Detroiters are not coming for New York, they tend to head South or to the Northwest.

      1. And just what is wrong with the young people of Detroit? I mean granted, “I” know, but I don’t appreciate someone else making assumptions who doesn’t live here. I really get tired of the Detroit bashing. There are young people of Detroit who do want opportunities. They aren’t all gang banging morons intend on raping and killing you. Unfortunately to get any opportunities they have to leave because the people who run this city don’t care about them. Nice to see no one else does either.

        Anyway dear Xavier, maybe we can use their righteous anger to help us in our quest… I wonder though, how we’re going to get war elephants in and about without being seen?

      2. The auto industry just abandoned Michigan. In the process, it destroyed Flint and then spread south like a horrible, labor sucking virus. Not being a resident of Detroit, it is nice to hear a voice that supports the city.

        As for concealing the elephants, that really is not that big of a problem. We do not have to hide them, I see it as a deterrent value. At first, they seem like harmless elephants. Then all Hell breaks loose once, and people understand that we mean business.

  2. It irks me that I run out of room to comment, or it only lets it go so far. Anyway………. Of course that being said, you know I plan on moving lol. But that has nothing to do with Detroit and everything to do with being lonely. If everyone I knew lived here, I would not want to move. Detroit shoots itself in the foot time and again. Or rather the people running the city shoot the rest of the people in the feet? Something like that. Any time there is a grassroots type of awesomeness (Google Theatre of The Bizarre…or look on my FB) the city shuts it down. Or they could have done this or that but the city council voted no, because they are too busy being corrupt. Anyway, the people here do not want to move somewhere uppity/hipster/hippie, if so, we’d just move to Ann Arbor 😉

  3. Bring forth the war elephant. May this mighty mammoth trample through the front line and impale the enemy upon it’s battle ready tusks. All shall quake in fear of this massive force, fleeing in sadness of the coming defeat. Our battle cry shall be that of a billion trumpets ringing out over the sound of millions marching to meet the the opposition. We shall be victorious! All hail the mighty War Elephant! Hail to the revolt! It begins now!

    or at least that what I would say…

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