Non-Spoiler Alert: “The Planet of the Apes”

I have to admit, the upcoming reboot of the Ape franchise has me a bit intrigued. However, I do not plan to go out to see it; the idea of sitting in a theater full of sweaty mouth-breathing proles does not appeal to me. Well, I should say that the movie does not appeal to me enough to drive me out to sit in a theater to see the show. The reason for this is that the Planet of the Apes may be a bit too far-fetched, even for a pseudo-SciFi fan such as myself, for me to take realistically.

On a warning note: this entry may contain spoilers. Not that you should not read on if you plan on seeing the movie. I mean, we all have known what to expect from this movie since, what, nineteen sixty-eight? The only real difference with this updated remake/redo/reboot/remix is that technology allows for cooler special effects now than the old-school people in costumes acting like uppity-monkeys from the Disco Days, to the Marky Mark apes that seemed like a Harvard fraternity party gone horribly wrong. So, please read on…

The problem with this upcoming film is the whole concept: scientist gets chimp, scientist genetically alters chimp, chimp develops mega-intelligence and language skills, money grubbing scientist decides to make big bucks and alters more chimps…oh, hell, let us say an assortment of apes, some asshole mistreats chimp (and other apes), chimp organizes rebellion, apes go ape and take over the world and subjugates humanity.

Okay, cool. Great. A moral lesson on the ethical ramifications of genetic research. I get that. Again, there are some things about the issue that just get to me. For one, chimpanzees and humans ninety-seven percent of our DNA in common. The other apes have, like, ninety-four percent genetic similarity. Basically, humans and chimps have more in common with each other than any of the other apes. With this knowledge, any clever scientist could change the flow of the rebellion of the lower primates by pointing this out to some gorillas or orangutans:

Apes: “Kill the humans! Kill the humans! Rebel! Ook!”

Scientist: “Hey! Why have you been listening to that shifty chimp? You know he’s genetically more similar to humans than he is the rest of you apes. After he and the other chimps finish exploiting your power and labor, that they won’t be just like us?”

Chimp Leader: “You fool! Now we have to fight all of the lower primates together, you have ruined my plans, but I would much rather enjoy the higher status that our genetic sameness can bestow over those monkeys.”

Apes: “Monkeys?! What the fuck, dude? At least the science-geeks never called us out of our species! Ape brethren and sistren, kill them all!!!”

Politician: “Excuse me.”

Apes and Chimp Leader: “Where the hell did you come from?”

Politician: “I was hiding under the table until a suitable negotiating position that would benefit me and glorify my flagging career arouse. Excuse me, my fellow non-chimpanzee Americans…”

Scientist: “Don’t listen to him! He’s a Republican or a Democrat!”

Politician: “I am a servant of non-chimp Americans regardless of party affiliation, economic status, or disability; I even think that the gays should be allowed to follow the traditional rules of marriage set forth in the Holy Bible like ever other American. But I digress, my fellow Ape-mericans, these chimpanzees are not offering anything of value to you. The wish to exploit you and subjugate you. However, if you side with us, and banish these horrible chimp aggressors, we can withstand their threat to liberty. In a show of gratitude, we’d let you all relocate to a suitable swatch of Federally Protected land in Hawaii where you can have all of the bananas and tasty fruits that an ape could desire.”

Apes: “Woohoo! The chimps never offered a trip to Hawaii. However, we could never afford the property costs, bro. We ain’t even wearing clothes now, besides, Hawaii is cool, but we like the Brazilian landscape and dat luscious Brazilian donk-a-donk that is up in there.”

Politician: “Then Brazil it is, or at least a rain forest in that area. However, we would have to sign a mutual non-aggression pact…”

Apes: “It’s a deal.”

And that is how humanity would quash the ape rebellion and not be dominated by lowered on the evolutionary ladder. At least that is one, far-fetched scenario. What makes this new Ape-movie especially hard for me to suspend reality is that everything happens so suddenly, there are so few apes, and most importantly, people kill things. A lot of things. We kill things well, and often. The apes do not stand a chance against a species that will destroy entire cities to kill one person. We’re a species that would shoot people trying to escape a hurricane after the time limit of evacuation had been passed. We’re a species that has probably spent more time on perfecting the art of killing than we have cooking.

A rampaging horde of apes would bring every hunter in Northern Michigan down from the Upper Peninsula, flannel-clad and cousin-kissing, down into the lower forty-eight to partake in a fiesta of ape carnage with the goal of a cool chimp head to place over the mantel, a nice set of gorilla pajamas (with feet!), and a winter’s supply of potential ape-jerky, ape fritters, fried ape, pickled ape, ape dumplings, etc.

On the slim chance that the Yoopers fall to the simians, then the military would gladly level a city to rid the population of apes. The politicians, wealthy, and status symbols of the area would already have been stripped bare. Given that this research would have taken place in some location like Rome, Wisconsin, then leveling the place would not be seen as a huge loss.

So, that is that. I really am not sure why I just went on and on like that. Maybe it is practice. I just took a couple of cool pictures of Charlotte’s new ride and my motorcycle. After editing them (you all really do not need to know our license numbers and shit, do you?), I will be posting them and writing about the pains we are dealing with on getting them restored to their wondrous glory.





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