I am a narcissist. I am a narcissist and I love to share my take on the world with anyone who cares to listen (and with those who really do not give a flying fuck). I am also a narcissist who likes to write… a lot. When trying to come up with ways to introduce my personality to you, dear reader, I felt it would be good to offer my opinions on a variety of things and see how it turned out. With that stated, allow me to tell you a tale…
Long ago, there was a Pirate Scourge of the Great Lakes. This Pirate created a MySpace profile at the suggestion of a friend, used it for about a week and abandoned the profile for a year or so. Later, this same friend got the Pirate and his better half to involve themselves in the MySpace thing. The better half created a profile, the Pirate returned to his old page (if you wish to read more back story, continue on, if not, scroll down a bit). Still later, for the sake of privacy and literary license, the Pirate’s doppelganger returned to the Pirate’s life, arriving like an absinthe freight train headed down the Pirate’s throat. This was the announcement of Xavier to the world and it was good.
Being the person that I am, it can be a bit difficult for me to make friends. I can be a bit sarcastic and supercilious. Those who have seen beyond the veil (and possess brains) grew to understand and appreciate my brilliance and dared to become a friend of yours truly. One such person was a wonderfully fiendish woman with the name of GKhaos. While searching for friends, I decided to search for anyone who may have an interest in Harley Quinn (that lovely sidekick of the Joker’s); it was during that search that a picture with the name “GKhaos” next to it showed up. The picture was of Harley Quinn. Khaos, and a psychotic clown? Of course I had to take a look. Going to her page, I discovered that this was the page of a bitter and angry individual who only created the page because her friends were starting to drive her a little bit nuts asking her to create a page. The page was covered in interesting graphics; some of the things written as descriptions flew over my head like Old Crow. Usually, I try to avoid people of whom I fear are probably smarter than myself, but I could not resist… And history was created. I had found a twisted, clown cohort who understood my take on the “Great Life Joke” and we became a bit chummy.
Soon, however, she had to leave MySpace (I believe she went off to study some alien technology that would aid her in creating her own “pokies”). Yet, she did gift me with the wonderful Rhonda-Maria, a new friend whom I grew rather fond of….. To get to the point, Rhonda-Maria boasted that a blog post from the wonderful GKhaos was to appear in her blog. Thinking that she was perpetrating some kind of cruel joke on your humble narrator (as she is a rather cunning and shifty lesbian), I warned her that she should not be telling fibs. As it turns out, she was not telling fibs and she did indeed post a blog written by none other than GKhaos. A blog that should have I commented properly, would have taken a lot of space in Rhonda-Maria’s comment box. So, I decided to post my literary response here, in my own blog. I fear that you will be a little short-changed in this deal as you cannot see what her responses were, but this blog is not about her, it is all about me (and I am a narcissist, you know) So without further ado, shall we begin?….
“My Response to GKhaos”
Please share your opinions on the following:
1 – Head
Your response to this mirrored mine in the beginning: “I freaking love head! I’m not going lie or pretend to be all prissy.” However, our opinions begin to diverge at this point a little bit. You see, I am a person who not only appreciates two heads between his legs (I cannot wait for you who are slow on the draw to catch up with the puns…heh), but I love to reciprocate. Yet, I must agree with you on the: “I love going down, it’s my favorite thing.” However, it is not just the guys. In fact, you chicas have the blow-job game so sewn up that guys begin to think of the act as a reward or obligation. Now, do not get me wrong, we gentlemen do have our short-comings (not I; my junk is tremendous. Just ask Shaved-Belly Sheniqua), but the Sword of truth wielded by the dear, blind Lady Justice is two-sided and cuts both ways. All I am saying is: before we enter this debate, we all need to have clean hands (unless said hands are coated with some sort of edible massage lubricant).
One other point on which we agree is the cleanliness issue. Again, this goes both ways. No one wants a sewer or diseased mouth on their privates, but then no one wants their mouth turned sewer-y or worse by said privates. This one is more for the guys, however. If you want to get the sucky-sucky, at least wash your fucking nutsack. One last thing; I do appear to be a bit pickier in the partner requirements, more than tongue mouth and lips are necessary; I need a pretty face because I like to watch…heh heh.
2 – Tacos
Being a vegetarian, I do not get to eat tacos often. Sometimes, I will have my chef make them out of that soy meat stuff, and they are delicious! Yet, I must agree that after the first bite of a hard shell taco, you are the unfortunate possessor of Taco Salad. Speaking of which, what in the Hell is Taco Salad? And who came up with it? Crushed tacos on a plate? Maybe it went down like this:
Murry: “Hey, Alexander! Got those tacos for table three? They’re getting a bit impatient!”
Alexander: “Yeah, I got ’em right here! Shit!”
Murry: “Fool! You dropped them, and they broke into pieces! Table three is going to leave!”
Alexander: “Hey, relax, baby-nuts! Look, we take the tacos and put them in this fresh bowl. Now we crush the shells a little bit more and, peep this, we call it an authentic Mexican dish: ‘‘Taco Salad’.”
Murry: “Bloody fucking genius! But what about those flecks of dirt? Oh, wait! We can cover this shit in sour cream and guacamole and the chumps will never notice!”
Alexander: “Now you are thinking, my friend. You know, we should start our own restaurant. We can sell food that we advertise as Mexican food and we’ll even give the food names that Mexican foods have. Only, we’ll never say the food is Mexican directly. People will just eat it and shut up. If we pack enough beans in our shit, people will either eat too much or not enough, either way we sell it dirt cheap and hire potheads to work the counters. We’ll can call ourselves: ‘Taco Bell!’”
Murry: “Fuck yeah!”
And a legend was born…..
3 – Why Joey Porter should always be a Steeler:
Who is Joey Porter and why and what is he stealing? Do we need to quickly divert funds to buffer the Foundation’s security?
4 – Gay Porn
Like GKhaos, I do love my pornography. Be it gay or straight (and not involving: children, excrement, urine, animals, or people in “furry” suits, I agree that pornography is good and should be watched with friends, alone, or in a bar if you happen to be there when I have my iPhone (which is far more convenient and cozy than a laptop). To be honest, however, I am partial to straight porn. For starters, I have not seen much male-on-male gay porn, but I cannot erase the image of sweaty Bubba hunched over some co-prisoner, or some degenerate in a gimp suit mincing about behind some wanna be hardcore punk or thug who just also happens to be a knob goblin. Besides, I agree with Elaine Benes’ take on the naked human male: “Naked, is not a good look for a man.”
Lesbian porn? I admit and agree, there appears to be a strange lacking of the “mulleted-butch dyke” in lesbian porn. Flanneled or unflanned, I do not mind the svelte blondes, brunettes, redheads, etc, and I find their discomfort in wearing the strap-on enticing in a bondage-fairy sort of way. As for the use of toys in lesbian pornography, I cannot answer why these women never know how to properly use a double-headed dildo. Why they choose to suck on them? I have no clue…latex fetish or extreme oral fix? Really, now.
Perhaps I am a bit naïve in the world of lesbians, but really do not understand why lesbians would use a dildo of any sort. To me, it seems illogical; I mean most lesbians do not really have dicks, do they? As for women who use them in what I will call “bi-porn,” they always strike me as if they are being passive-aggressive in a “nanner-nanner” sort of way. I must say, however, that I do not think that if two lesbians are getting it on, they are going to stop to suck any guy’s dick be it false or real.
5 – The Moral Ethics of Killer Clowns
“Killer Clowns have no moral ethics. They will kill you, fuck you, and then eat you if given enough time and opportunity.” I whole-heartedly agree with this sentiment. Beneath the grease paint “smile” lurks a tooth-gnashing, blood-curdling, soul-rending, murder-lust that seeps through said “smile;” catching those unaware with a misleading sense of security, so that they may do their evil deeds. GK, while I do not believe that you are a freak for wanting to sleep with Heath Ledger’s corpse, I do question your sanity on wanting to sleep with just any clown…and I hope that is not the case. Their squeaky noses, seltzer bottles and over-sized shoes are a barrel o’ monkeys until they pull out their razors…
As for the Joker, Harley Quinn and Pennywise…well, I love them, they hold no pretenses and present to the world the full truth about clowns.
6 – Token Heteros
Heh…I find myself on the opposite side of your coin. I have friends who would all purport to be the token hetero. However, the males tend to listen to musicals and know the difference between fuschia and cerise; the females can hear your car engine rattle from a mile away and tell you what you need repaired, or can readily lift two hundred pounds from a dead lift and beat the shit out of most body-builders. Token heteros? Naaaa! “Everybody Gay!!!”….
7 – Can You Squeeze a Bowling Ball from a White Rabbit with Sharp Pointed Teeth?
That is a good and very important question; one that deserves volumes dedicated to its philosophical consideration. Were Orpheus afoot he would surely compose a tremendous melody in honor of whomever could reach the truth on such an issue. Yes, it is more important than Camus’ discourse on suicide, euthanasia, and Martha Stewart. However, it is not one that I have ever pondered. Being a person who owns a bunch of snakes, I tend to view rabbits as potential food items for Na’as, the Burmese Python. Rabbits, have very strong back legs; coupled with their Sharp-pointed teeth, they pose a potential danger for a snake during live feeding. To wit, my principle question regarding said White Rabbit, and said Sharp, Pointed Teeth is: exactly where does one find a rubber mallet big enough to knock the varmint loopy without having to deal with bunny brains strewn about the house?
8 – Will White Persian Cats Someday Rule the World?
1) Indeed, having elected a SpEd to run the United States for eight years following Slick Willie, anything is possible. However, remember that this dangerous SpEd, kept me wealthy during those eight years. Hooray for SpEdident Bush!
2) I hope not, as my snakes may be considered “enemy combatants” and ferreted off to wherever Barak is sending those guys after releasing them from Guantanamo Bay.
9 – Will Those Who Wear Flip Flops With Socks Trip Over Their Socks if Their Socks Lose Their Elasticity?
I really hope that they do trip over the socks. Then it will be easier for me to shoot them in the ass with my Derringer for committing such a horrid fashion faux-pas of flip-flops, and then compounding the problem by adding socks. Yes, get something to treat the onion looking and smelling toenails, and leave the flip-flops.
10 – The Idea of Valium and Red Bull….nuff sed
Valium and Red Bull? I really do not know. For one, I do enjoy my Valium (believe it or not, I can be a bit anxious at times). As for Red Bull, I really do not understand it. Maybe my ADD has prevented me from seeing the effect of the beverage on my system. Maybe my OCD forces me to buy Mt. Dew at the 7-11. Who knows? I sure as fuck do not. On the Alandia website, I came across a recipe for a drink mixing absinthe and Red Bull. Hmmm….that seems like a bad idea; the Green Faery already has wings, do we really need to hype her up as well?.
And that dear folks would be my response to GKhaos. As this is the second time I had to write the damn thing, I apologize for taking so long to post it. Blame MySpace Tom, he is out to get me.