Good Evening! I am pleased. Very pleased. After sending a picture of myself to MySpace and a new email address, I was able to access my old blog entries from that site and can begin the lengthy process of moving posts from there to this blog. I have no idea why I chose to start with this particular entry. Maybe it was because the material manages to give those unfamiliar with my tales a glimpse into my life, my friends, and those who make regular appearances in my blogs and The Rothechilde Foundation. Maybe it was because it was one of the first entries that I came across and I am feeling lazy and hungry and needing to eat the delicious, eggplant Parmesan that was just brought to my desk for me to ingest instead of toiling away in front of the computer. Who knows? And without further ado:
Too Long, Not Too Late
Writing, a process that is almost foreign to me at this point in my mundane, linear existence. However, what better day to start putting words to screen than the day we give thanks for being able to take over a nation, subject it to a “better” Western philosophy through smallpox blankets, turkey and the Prius.
So, much has happened since we last fucked on this blog. I have taken to attending our Foundation Board meetings via webcam in my pajamas from my bedroom. The orchard harvest was not as grand as it should have been this year. Face it, nature sucked, but the failing economy only is hurting the middle class and the poor. As for myself, the Trust is secure and I still made more than enough in orchard profits to say that the economic earning year was not shot.
Me: So, I have decided to discontinue my treatment sessions with you. Nothing personal of course, but I disagree with your bi-polar diagnosis and your attempts to force those zombifying narcotics on me. I seem to be doing just fine on a steady regimen of porn, Valium and Absinthe. Oh, and the occasional motivational speech and boob picture request denial from Sister Constance.
Shrinky-Dink: So, you are implying that you know more about mental health than I, a graduate from medical school with a specialty in psychiatry, know about mental health. To add, you believe that your sexual harassment of your sister is acceptable behavior to compensate for any issues you may be having?
Me: Well, that was unnecessarily smug, smarmy and generally uncalled for. Not to mention, that statement is logically inconsistent. I implied nothing; you made an inference there, dear Docky Wocky. Did you neglect your studies in logic during your college years? Further, Sister Constance is The Foundation’s former koala wrangler and current Communications Director or something like that (I have neglected my duties for so long that I could not tell you whom does what really anymore). Still further, she is not my sister, she is a nun and there is nothing wrong with looking at nun tit…or asking for nude pictures of said nun tits. It is like a test of faith.
Besides, everytime I come to visit, you give me another series of letters to add to my name or some title. You know like bi-polar, ADD, ADHD, OCD, EPMD (for those of you too young, or non-informed on old school rap, EPMD was a rap group), so in my opinion, I am gaining experience and valuable prefixes and suffixes.
Shrinky-Dink: Xavier, it is time that you took your best interests to heart and seriously consider that you are in need of the medications that I am recommending.
Me: No, it is time for me to use the money that I would be spending on pimping out my new fleet of hearses rather than paying you for this senseless psychobabble. Goddess! For what I pay you, you would think that I would not have to fight you so for Valium or sedatives; I can get better stuff cheaper from anyone of the families that my Foundation serves. AND many of them are much better lays than you are.
Shrinky-Dink: You are clearly delusional! We have never had sexual relations of any sort!
Me: I never said that. I can tell that you are a horrible lay and the image of your naked form in my brain is giving me an anxiety attack. The overwhelming fear of you forcing some sort of anti-psychotic across the table causing me to shoot you is enough to prevent my having any serious delusions.
Enough of this yabble! I have finally decided to return to meeting with The Foundation Board at the actual Thunderdome. It seems that in my absence, the Ve-ep has taken to attempting to mock my handlings of our proceedings and doings. Would you believe that he suggested that I would advocate feeding the homeless to the poor to alleviate hunger? I must confess that the idea does have some merits…
Shrinky-Dink: That would be cannibalism…
Me: What does pot have to do with any of this? Besides the idea is also a tad on the side of Social Darwinism and deliciously eugenic in an off sort of way. Regardless, I would never advocate such a thing, particularly given that there are some from my income bracket that are finding themselves poor as broke-dick dogs.
Shrinky-Dink: Well, that was inversely altruistic of you. Have you ever stopped to consider why a misanthrope such as yourself carries on such activities as having a charitable foundation?
Me: It did not sound to me as if your use of Foundation was capitalized, that is hurtful and a bit supercilious of you. Kudos! You seem to be making progress in our sessions. We shall have you cured in no time!
Shrinky-Dink: For starters, I am not the one in treatment…
Me: Whatever you say.
Shrinky-Dink: Secondly, you avoided the question.
Me: We have done this dance before, dear doctor, and I am afraid we have worn a hole in the bottom of my shoes from it. Ha! Yet, since you seem to be slow to learn simple concepts, I shall reiterate. The Foundation enables me to safely maintain my Trust through charitable donations and strategic investment in technology. True, I do manage to do well with the Orchards, but I wish to pay as little in taxes as possible. Taxes are for the middle class, sir! The Foundation enables my associates and myself to purchase property, avoid taxes and find ways to subjugate a population through acts of kindness.
Shrinky-Dink: And we return to the delusions. This one of grandeur; you believe that your foundation subjugates a population? That seems, to use your words, a bit supercilious.
Me: Your speech leads me to infer that psychiatrists are not required to take any grammar courses whilst attending college: the capital “F” seems to be missing again (really, I am not hearing it come from you, dude) and you started your sentence with “and”. Would you like to use the “Elements of Style” app on my iPhone to brush up a bit before speaking? Another thing, supercilious is only one word and it does not belong exclusively to me: I believe some guy in Muskegon owns it.
Well, dear friends. I have enjoyed my writing experiencxe…and there is more to this story. However, I am due to be on air soon and must be off to please my fans. TTFN!